Conversate with Akeem D. Earle

LaToya (00:00.248)
To say more with LaToya on the Conversate Podcast. I'm your host, LaToya. Before we get into it, make sure you're following us on Instagram and TikTok, listening on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and most importantly, subscribe to the Conversate Podcast on YouTube. So let's get into it. So today I want to talk about rejection, but not necessarily the big dramatic rejection. Not somebody standing outside your house with a boom box like LaToya.

I do not love you. Like not that kind of rejection. I'm talking about tiny rejection or perceived rejection. The rejection that may not actually be rejection at all. You know, somebody's energy is just a little different. They don't text you back as quickly as they normally do. You send somebody an idea and they just respond, thanks. Period. No exclamation point. No, this is great. Just

Just thanks. And now you're sitting there like, so you hate it. And maybe they don't hate it. Maybe they're busy. Maybe they're tired. Maybe that's just how they text. But your brain has already opened a full investigation. And that's what got me thinking about rejection sensitivity. Now I am not diagnosing myself or anyone with anything. Not a doctor.

I'm talking about rejection sensitivity in the broad sense. You know, that tendency some of us have to notice possible rejection really quickly, anticipate it before it happens, or have a bigger emotional reaction when we think somebody is rejecting us. And I started wondering: am I actually good at handling rejection, or have I just gotten really good at trying to avoid it? Because those are two different things.

And fortunately for you, I have examples. So let's get into it. One of the places I notice this a lot is in my friendships. I can spend all day with someone, have a perfect day. Perhaps I am taking a trip with them to Astigue Island and Maryland. Go and see the horses, have a perfectly normal time, we laugh, we kiki, catch up, everything is fine. And then afterwards, the energy feels off.

LaToya (02:24.736)
Now, can I explain what off means? Absolutely not. But this is not a scientific measurement. There's no friendship energy meter where I can say, hmm, like we were at a like we were at a 87 and today you're giving me 63. No, it's just like a feeling. Like maybe they're responding a little differently. Maybe I sent something or I said something and the response felt shorter.

There's less enthusiasm than normal. Whatever it is, I notice it. And then my brain goes, What happened? Like, did I say something? Was I talking too much? Did I make a joke that didn't land? Was I annoying? Did I overshare? Are they tired of me? And within about 20 minutes, I've conducted an entire exit interview for a friendship that has not ended. Meanwhile, this person could just be tired. They could have something happening in their own life.

They could be having a bad day. They could be hungry. Like, I don't know. But I think this is where rejection sensitivity gets interesting. Because there is the fact, and then there's the story. The fact might be: my friend seems really quiet today. That's it. That's all the evidence we have. But then the story becomes: my friend is quieter because something happened between us, and whatever happened, it's

Probably my fault. That is a whole lot of plot with one piece of information. And listen, sometimes our intuition is telling you something real. And I'm not saying ignore your instincts. Sometimes the vibe is off. But even if the vibe is off, I still don't necessarily know why. And I think that's the piece I'm working on.

Can I notice a change without immediately making myself responsible for it? Can I say, hmm, something feels different without immediately going, now what have I done? Like, because those are very different responses. I've actually started thinking about this as a game called fact or story. Here's one. You text somebody you're dating, they don't respond for six hours.

LaToya (04:49.24)
Fact, they have not responded in six hours. This story I start to tell myself. They're losing interest. They like the girl with the bigger butt. There was somebody else. I came on too strong. My breath sank. I should not have used that emoji. Why did I use that emoji? Like was the heart too much? Should I have used a smiley face instead? Actually the smiley face might have made things worse. And suddenly

I'm doing a forensic analysis on punctuation. Like, okay, or maybe I don't get invited to something. Fact, there was an event and I was not invited.

Story, I tell myself, everybody hates me. There's gotta be a second group chat that I'm not in. They've probably been discussing me, like talking about me since 2019. Again, maybe, maybe that's what happened, but we don't actually know that yet. And that's the distinction. Sometimes we experience the story as though it's already a fact.

And rejection sensitivity doesn't only happen after rejection. Sometimes it happens before rejection. This is where mine gets a little embarrassing. So in 2017, 2017, I got diagnosed with a cyst on my vocal cord. And so I started doing vocal therapy and eventually started studying opera. So I was studying opera and had a great time.

sing a little opera here and there. but there was a singing opportunity that I could have pursued. Like, and I didn't because and not because somebody told me no, not because I additioned and didn't make it, not because I had a scheduling conflict. I simply decided I probably wasn't gonna get it. So I didn't try. Which is very efficient if you think about it.

LaToya (06:56.354)
We like why go through the inconvenience of somebody else rejecting you when you can reject yourself from the comfort of your own home? No commute, no audition, no uncomfortable email, just unfortunately we forget to inform you, Latoya, that Latoya has decided we will not be moving forward l with Latoya at this time. Like I wrote my own like email. Thank you for your interest. We received many qualified applicants. And that's funny now.

But I like, but I really think about that because I genuinely could be Leonine Price or somebody like I could have been at the Phantom of the Opera, but no, I decided like I wasn't good enough. I decided I wasn't good enough I on my own. Maybe I wouldn't have got it. Like that's possible. But I also might have.

Or maybe I would have auditioned, not gotten it, and learned something that made the next audition better. But I removed every possibility because I was afraid of one possibility. They might tell me no. And I wonder how often we do that. We say, I'm being realistic. Sometimes you are. But sometimes I'm being realistic means I would rather assume the answer is no than actually find out. There's safety in that.

Because if I don't apply, I don't get rejected. If I don't ask, then you you can't tell me no. If I didn't if I don't tell you I like you, you never get the chance to tell me you don't like me back. If I don't pitch the idea, like nobody can tell me it's bad. So technically I remain undefeated. I'm zero and zero. So but I'm also sitting on the bench.

And that's a problem. That's a big problem. I also think like rejection sensitivity can look very different depending on the person. It doesn't always look like crying or asking somebody fifteen times if they're mad at you. Sometimes it looks extremely casual. I'm good. I don't care. Or whatever. I I didn't really want it. They weren't that cute anyway.

LaToya (09:18.146)
Like, ma'am, yesterday that man was Idris Elba. Yesterday he was fine. Today, he doesn't get a second date and suddenly you're like, his head was kind of weird shape. It's good. His jeans was too tight. I don't we don't like that anyway. So whatever. No, you're hurt and that's okay. Sometimes acting like we don't care feels safer than admitting I cared and now I'm disappointed. There's something vulnerable about wanting things.

I want that person. I want that job. I want that opportunity. I want my friends to think like I want them to think highly of me. I want people to like the thing I created. I really want this podcast to pop off. You know, when we admit that, we also admit that the outcome matters to us. And that means disappointment becomes possible. Now dating is

Obviously, a beautiful environment for rejection sensitivity because dating already contains just enough ambiguity to make everybody a little insane. So imagine this. I've been seeing this guy, things are going well, he's been planning dates, communication has been consistent, the energy is good, keeps his haircut nice. I don't feel like

I'm go I'm doing all the work. Like it's beautiful. Like things are really, really good. We we love growth. Then one week something shifts. Nothing dramatic. He still texts, but maybe he's texting a little less. One day goes by and he hasn't tried to make plans for the weekend yet. And I remember I value effort. I like intentionality. I'm not really

745 tonight, what you doing kind of person. Sir, at 745 tonight, I'm doing what I plan to do because I have it on my calendar. So now it's Thursday, no weekend planned. And my brain notices. At first I was calm, like, I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm mature, I have evolved. I'm like, people are busy. Two hours later, he's pulling away from me. Three hours later, I knew this was gonna happen.

LaToya (11:44.429)
Like I I knew that this was going too well. By bedtime, should I just end this now? Like, in what? Like nothing happened. This man may be sitting somewhere thinking, I'll ask her tomorrow. Meanwhile, I've emotionally moved out of an apartment we never shared. And I think that's where rejection sensitivity can turn into something else. Rejecting first. Because

There is a certain kind of control in saying, you're pulling away. I'm gonna pull away harder. Now I'm taking longer to respond. Now I'm suddenly very booked and busy. Now he's getting sounds good. Period. Because if rejection is coming, I would like to be prepared. Preferably, I would like to beat I would like to beat it to the scene. Like I wanna be the first one.

But the question becomes am I responding to what is actually happening, or am I responding to what I'm afraid is about to happen? Those are not the same. Sometimes a response to anticipated rejection actually changes the relationship. I get distant because I think you're getting distant. You notice me getting distant, so you become more distant. And then I'm like, I knew it. But did did I know?

Or did the two of you just participate in a very confusing confusing group project? Like, that's probably what happened. Rejection sensitivity can also show up in ways that look productive, people pleasing. If everyone is happy with me, maybe no one will reject me. Perfectionism. If I do everything perfectly, nobody can criticize me. Over explaining.

I just wanted to clarify what I mean when I what what what I meant when I said, and now you're writing a paragraph or four page later of an explanation nobody requested. Are you okay? Was that weird? Did that bother you? Did I say something? Sometimes these questions are appropriate because communication is good, but sometimes we're looking for information. We're not looking for information. We're looking for relief.

LaToya (14:11.48)
Tell me we're okay, so I don't have to sit with uncertainty. And uncertainty, I think uncertainty might be worse than rejection sometimes. A clear no hurts, but at least I know. And maybe it's where my imagination gets a company credit card. Like, I just we gotta get it together, y'all.

And then there is the other version of rejection that I find hilarious. Sometimes I don't even want the thing. I just don't want you to not choose me for the thing. Imagine, I find out some people I know are going to a rooftop event.

Some people I know get invited to a party. I was not invited. Immediately I'm like, interesting. Very interesting. Because now I'm thinking, why wasn't I invited? Who organized this? Who was there? Were people specifically selected? Was there a capacity issue? I need details. Then somebody says, yeah, it starts at 9 30 on a Thursday. I'm sorry, like 9 30 PM? Like on a work night?

Whatever, I wasn't going anyway. I gotta work tomorrow. I was gonna be home comfortable in my pajamas. I was gonna be watching Married at First Sight, so it's whatever. But I still wanted the invitation. And that made me think like sometimes we aren't upset because we're actually wanted the experience. We're expect we're upset because we wanted to be chosen. Those are not always the same. And that goes way beyond parties. I've done this with opportunities.

I've done this with people. You can become completely focused on whether somebody likes you and forget to ask, do I even like them? Dating especially. Does he like me? Does he think I'm attractive? Does he want a relationship? Is he gonna ask me out again? Wait. Do I even like this man? Like, do I enjoy talking to him? Do I feel relaxed around him? Does he make my life better?

LaToya (16:26.986)
As I am in the midst of currently dating, now these sorts of questions, I find myself asking these questions often. Because is rejection fun? Absolutely not. But before I find myself in this cycle of being liked and disliked and whatnot, like I have to really start being clear with myself about who do I like someone? Do I enjoy them? Like, are they demonstrating qualities that I actually want?

Because sometimes we turn dating into an audition. And once we start auditioning, we're so busy trying to get the part that we also forget we're also casting. Like I get to choose too. Same thing with work. I'm in the process of of of interviewing. Hopefully my current job never sees this podcast.

Yeah, and I walk out thinking like, I hope they like me. Like I did this interview and I'm like, man, I really hope these folks like me.

I was reminded, like, do I also like them? Like, I get to choose as well. Like, I'm not just desperate for any kind of job. Do I like the job? Do I like the culture? Does the opportunity actually align with what I want? You know, or am I just waiting for a gold star that says chosen? Like, because

Again, being chosen like feels good and there's nothing wrong with that, but being chosen and being aligned are not the same thing. And that's what I'm looking for. And this is where I'm gonna land this plane. I don't think the goal is to become a person who does not care about rejection. I don't want that. I care about people, I care about my work, I care about my money, I care about my relationships.

LaToya (18:25.762)
I care about the things that I create. If I genuinely want something and I don't get it, sometimes I am going to be disappointed. And I should be. Like I'm human. I'm not trying to reach some level of enlightenment with somebody says, we've decided to go in another direction. And I'm like, wonderful. I feel nothing. No, I'm not a robot. I am not ChatGPT. Sometimes I'm gonna need 24 hours and a snack.

Preferably some banana pudding ice cream from Trader Joe's. But maybe there's a healthier sequence. First, what is the fact? What actually happened? Not what I think happened. What do I know? And second, what story am I telling myself? They didn't choose me. It's very different from nobody will ever choose me. As I think about

Those of us who are in the interviewing process right now, rejection from a job or not getting a job offer like is gonna happen in this time. But that doesn't mean that nobody wants to ever hire you. Is there something here for me to learn? Sometimes rejection contains useful feedback. So if I don't get something, perhaps I'm gonna start asking questions as opposed to assuming.

Maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe I could have approached something differently. Maybe I ignored information that was there. But useful feedback is I can grow in this area. Shame is this proves something is wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with me. And those are two very different things. And finally, did I actually want this or did

I just want to be wanted. That question right there will get you together because sometimes the answer is no. I did not want to be on no rooftop at 9 30 on a Thursday. Like that's not even what I wanted. I simply wanted you to think enough to ask me.

LaToya (20:45.304)
So here's what I'm trying to practice. I wanna be willing to want things. I wanna audition. I wanna apply. I wanna get better at podcasting. I wanna tell somebody I like them. I wanna invite people places. I wanna put my ideas out there. I wanna create things and hope people respond to them. Because yes, doing that means sometimes somebody is gonna say no.

Sometimes somebody isn't gonna choose me. Sometimes somebody's energy really is gonna fill off. And sometimes I'm gonna get the text that says, I think you're great, but that dot.

Which is why which which, you know, by the way, nobody wants anything after I think you're great. Like I don't I actually like it doesn't matter what you say after the butt. Just just ruin my day. But I think real confidence might not be everybody's gonna choose me. Because everybody isn't. Maybe confidence is I trust myself when they don't. I can be disappointed.

When deciding I'm undesirable. I can get rejected from an opportunity without deciding I'm untalented. I can feel left off of bad and bougie without deciding I'm unlikable. Like I can notice someone's energy changing without immediately putting myself on trial. And maybe most importantly, I can start rejecting myself before anybody else gets the opportunity to.

Because when I think about that singing opportunity, that is probably the rejection I regret the most. Not somebody else's, but mine. I decided I wasn't good enough before anybody else had the chance to decide anything. And I don't want to hear, I don't wanna I don't want to fe I don't want fear making those decisions for me anymore. Let me just say that again. I don't want fear making those decisions for me anymore.

LaToya (22:55.886)
So maybe the goal isn't becoming rejection proof. Maybe it's being able to say, I wanted it, I tried, it didn't work out, I'm disappointed, and I'm still me. And sometimes they really are just busy. Sometimes your friend is tired. Sometimes the text means exactly what the text says. And sometimes you genuinely are not invited.

And apparently you're gonna have to survive that too. Anyway, that's what I wanted to say. And thanks for hanging out with me today. See you later.