8. Are You Proud of Yourself? - Say More with Latoya
LaToya (04:17.794)
Welcome back to Say More with LaToya, right here on the Conversate podcast. I'm LaToya, and this is a space where I take the thoughts, feelings, questions, and conversations that have been sitting in the back of my mind, and I say a little bit more about them. Now, before we get into t today's conversation, make sure you're following Conversate on Instagram, subscribe on the YouTube channel, listen to the podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and check us out on TikTok too.
I also want to take a moment to thank everyone who watched and listened and commented and shared my first episode. The feedback was like so positive, and I feel really appreciated like hearing from people who connected with what I shared. I'm gonna read a little testimonial that someone sent me. It says, I just listened to your podcast episode. Great job. I really, really enjoyed it. I found it to be very thought-provoking.
I don't think I've ever truly thought about conversations, how impactful they are, and what they can actually be. Fun, intriguing, inspiring, sexy, beautiful, uplifting, healing, etc. I feel inspired to intentionally spark and engage in more conversations with people that I love and people that I'm interested in. And in those conversations, ask elevated questions and introduce meaningful subject matter. Thanks for thanks so much for sharing. I look forward to your future episodes.
Thank you. I said I would not say their name, but yeah. So thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. you know, one thing that I heard repeatedly was that people really connect it with the personal stories. And that makes sense to me because I know that when I'm listening to a podcast, I don't just want someone to give me advice. I want to know how the topic has really shown up in their life. I want the story. I want the tea. I want the context. I want to know what made them start asking the questions in the first place. So today
I'm gonna get personal again, and I wanna begin with the question. Are you proud of yourself? Not are your parents proud of you? Not is your partner proud of you, or your therapist, or your even your boss? You know, not did your friends tell you you made the right decision, but are you proud of yourself? And are you able to feel proud before someone else confirms that you should?
LaToya (06:37.272)
I started thinking about that question after I ended a relationship. So I was in a relationship for four and a half years that ended in October of last year. And my therapist, because I believe in therapy, she had heard me talk pretty extensively about that relationship. She knew the history, she knew the patterns, she knew what I wanted from that relationship.
You know, she knew the things that I had been struggling with and she knew the ways that I felt disappointed and conflicted. You know, she knew how difficult it was for me to admit that wanting it that I you know, wanting it to work out might not be enough. So when I finally ended the relationship and told her about it, I really was expecting like a moment. You know, I don't know exactly what I thought she was gonna do, but maybe
There would be this dramatic pause. You know, she's gonna look at me and look, say, LaToya, I'm so proud of you. Like, I thought she was gonna stand up and clap. She's gonna hand me some balloons, a plaque, a certificate, something. You know, congratulations on, you know, choosing yourself. I I really wanted like the equivalent of a emotional standing ovation. Like I wanted her to applaud me, all kinds of sounds and sirens.
Because in my mind, I felt like she knew what it had taken for me to get to that decision. Like it wasn't impulsive. You know, it's something that I had gone back and forth with her about. she knew how much hope I had invested in the relationship, how much I had imagined for us. She knew that ending it was not simply like letting go of a person. It was also letting go of a future that I thought we might have together. So when I told her,
You know, I expected this reaction to match the significance of the moment for me. And it didn't. Her reaction was fine, I guess. It was calm. It was also very clinical and professional. I guess, you know, she is a therapist. but if I'm being honest, it was also pretty basic and boring. she did not say I'm proud of you at all. There was no applause, no confetti.
LaToya (08:58.642)
no dramatic acknowledgement that I'd done this really difficult thing. And to be fair, like I'ma be honest, I was disappointed.
Yeah, I was disappointed. I I wanted I wanted some kind of reaction. now, to be fair to my therapist, there could have been reasons for her lack of reaction. You know, maybe she wanted to leave room for me to process the sadness and the complexity of it. You know, maybe she didn't want to label the breakup as purely good or bad, or for her feelings to
You know, get enmeshed in how I should feel about ending the relationship. I don't even care. Whatever the reason, the fact remained that I wanted her to tell me that she was proud of me, and she did not. And that left me with the question that was much more uncomfortable than simply criticizing her reaction. Was I even proud of myself? Was I genuinely proud that I made that decision?
Or was I waiting for her or someone else to be proud of me first? Was I, depending on her response, to confirm that I had done something brave? Was I looking for her to tell me that the decision was valid? Was I asking someone outside of my relationship to give me permission to feel good about choosing myself? And I really had to sit with that. Because ending that relationship was not simply about breaking up with him. For me,
It meant accepting that love and compatibility are not always the same thing. It meant accepting that care, that I that I like could care deeply for someone and still acknowledge that the relationship was not giving me what I needed. It meant choosing the reality of what the relationship had become over the possibility of what I kept hoping it might become.
LaToya (11:03.254)
It meant letting go of the belief that if I just waited or tried harder or communicated differently or gave it more time, eventually everything would fall into place. It meant releasing a future that I had imagined. And it meant choosing myself, even though choosing myself hurt. That was the part I had to understand. That choosing myself did not immediately feel triumphant. I didn't feel like I had won something. I didn't feel like
You know, on those movies where women walk slowly, walk in like slow motion while an empowering song, you know, plays in the background. I didn't hear it's like Katy Perry. I didn't feel like a I had the eye of the tiger. No, I felt like I heard the saxophones playing from from Boys in the Hood. I felt sad. I felt heavy. I felt yeah, it just it was painful.
It was necessary, but it still felt painful. And I had to learn that I could be proud of myself for ending that relationship and still miss him. I could know that ending it was the right decision for me and still grieve the future I had imagined for us. I could choose myself and still feel sad that choosing myself meant letting go of someone that I I loved. And I don't be saying that out loud, but I did.
And a relationship that, you know, I had invested in. Those feelings did not cancel each other out. My grief did not mean that I had made the wrong decision. And missing him didn't mean that I needed to go back. Remembering the good parts did not erase the reasons that I left. And I think part of what made the breakup so difficult was that there was no clean emotional ending.
I didn't walk away feeling completely certain or completely relieved or completely empowered every day. I still have questions. There are moments when I wonder, you know, could I have done something differently? You know, there were moments when I wondered whether I should have waited a little longer. The answer is no. but there were moments when I remember the good parts of our relationship and the life that I had hoped we would build together. But I also knew.
LaToya (13:27.906)
That how I knew how I had felt inside. I knew what I needed. I knew what I had been asking for. I knew what was what had been missing. And I knew that staying, you know, staying simply because I knew that staying simply because leaving was painful was not the same as staying because a relationship was right for me. So for me, being proud.
did not mean pretending I had no sadness, doubts, or questions. It meant recognizing that I had a pain that I had made a painful decision because I believed I deserved a relationship that felt more aligned with the life, the love, and the partnership that I want.
So pride did not require the absence of grief. It required me to honor the courage it took to choose myself while I was still grieving. And I think that was what I wanted my therapist to recognize. I wanted her to acknowledge what the decision had cost me. Cause that shit was costly. I wanted her to witness the fact that I had done something that we had discussed many times. I want her to say, man, you know what? I know that was hard for you.
And I know what it took to get there, and I'm proud of you. And it's okay for me to admit that that's what I wanted. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be encouraged. You know, there's nothing wrong with wanting someone to recognize that you've done something difficult. And I wanted her support. But I did not need her permission to be proud of myself. That's the bottom line. I was there. I knew what the decision required.
I knew how many times I almost talked myself out of it. I knew the conversations I had with myself. I knew how hard it was to accept that the relationship I wanted was not the relationship that I had. And I knew what it meant to finally say, This is not enough for me anymore. So even though her reaction was basic and boring, the decision was still meaningful. And, you know, her response didn't change what I had done.
LaToya (15:43.213)
It didn't erase my growth. It didn't make the decision less courageous. And once I started asking myself whether I was proud of myself, I realized the breakup was not the only thing that I had moved past without fully acknowledging. There are several things that I've done over the last couple months that I'm proud of, or last year or so. I'm proud of myself for losing weight. Like, I don't mean I'm proud of the number on the scale.
Well, I'm not only proud of that, because I I am proud of the number on the scale. But I'm proud of the discipline it required. I had to work out before I did this podcast today because I know what kind of results like I want to keep seeing. I'm proud of becoming more intentional about my health. I'm proud of making different choices. I know what it feels like to want change and feel frustrated that the change is not happening as quickly as I would like. You don't get gains overnight.
But I'm proud of the progress that I've made. You know, I I'm proud of myself for getting back in the dating field. Because dating after the end of a long-term relationship is not necessarily fun every day. Sometimes it's exciting. It's often awkward. It is always confusing. and sometimes it makes me wonder why I put on a full face of makeup, chose an outfit, left my house, and spent two hours talking to this man.
But I'm proud that I'm doing it. And I'm proud because I still desire companionship. I want to be with somebody. I still want love. I want a partner. I still want to build a life with someone. And I'm not pretending that I'm but above wanting a relationship. I'm not using independence as a shield to convince myself that I don't desire intimacy or support, affection, romance or partnership. You know.
I'm proud of the life I've built with for myself and I still desire companionship and I know my freedom and I still want love. You know, I'm proud of myself for that credit card I paid off this year. You know, I'm proud of myself for not using Klarna and Afterpay anymore. The pay and for, don't get caught up in that. I'm proud of myself for that. I'm proud that I spent a month in Paris, a whole month.
LaToya (18:09.996)
This year. That's not a small thing. I created an opportunity to work remotely, live in another country, explore a city that I love, and experience a different version of my life daily, where I got to walk around Paris and work in Paris and eat in Paris and rest in Paris and date in Paris. I experienced the city not only as someone rushing like through a vacation, but as someone actually living there for a period of time. And I didn't wait for my friends.
Or my boyfriend. I didn't wait for the perfect circumstances. I just did it. And I'm proud of myself for doing that.
I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself.
I know that ending a relationship was choosing emotional alignment. And losing weight was choosing my health. Getting back into dating was choosing to remain open to love. Spending a month in Paris was choosing adventure and expansion. You know, paying off that credit card was choosing financial freedom. And each choice represents me taking responsibility for creating the kind of life that I want to live. I don't want to rush past that.
I don't want to be focused on the next goal, the next milestone, the next relationship, the next trip, the next amount of weight I want to lose, or the next financial target that I never pause to acknowledge that I've already done. I think I've spent a lot of time moving quickly from one accomplishment to the next. I do the thing, I check it off, I move on. And if someone celebrates me, I might pause long enough to receive it. But if no one says anything, sometimes I barely acknowledge it myself.
LaToya (19:54.253)
And I wanna change that. I wanna become someone that recognizes my own progress. You know, someone that can say that was hard. And I did that. Not because I believe I'm perfect and not because I don't have more goals, but because I'm willing to witness my own effort. You know, I don't gotta be humble about what I'm proud about. You know, I can I can acknowledge what I've done and I don't have to put a butt behind it. Like
I can just be proud of myself, period.
Progress doesn't have to be complete before it counts. And I don't have to become the final, fully healed, perfectly disciplined, completely secure like version of myself before I'm allowed to be proud of the woman I am today. So now I want you to think about yourself. What have you done recently that required courage, discipline, honesty, vulnerability, or growth?
Maybe you set a boundary. Maybe you apologized. Maybe you asked for help or you deleted Instagram off your phone. Maybe you started therapy. Maybe you've left a job. Maybe you applied to a new one or you made a financial decision that no one else knows about. Maybe you started taking care of your health. Maybe you stopped calling someone who repeatedly showed you that they couldn't meet your needs.
Maybe you tried dating again. Maybe you simply survived a season that no one else fully understood. What are you proud of? Have you actually allowed yourself to say it? Or did you immediately move on to the next thing? Did you minimize it? Did you tell yourself it's not that serious? Did you wait for someone else to notice? Did you wait for someone to say, I'm proud of you, before you allowed yourself to feel proud?
LaToya (21:54.199)
Now I want you to finish that sentence. I'm proud of myself because. And don't add a disclaimer. Don't follow it with but. Don't explain why it is actually not that impressive. Just allow yourself to say it. I'm proud of myself because I made a painful decision and it was right for me. I'm proud of myself because I remain open to love.
I'm proud of myself for showing up here again and sharing more of my story. I'm proud of myself for recording this podcast.
Now, again, I can admit that I wanted my therapist to say she was proud of me. And part of me probably still wishes she had. But I can also give myself the words I was waiting to hear. I can say, Latoya, I'm proud of you for being honest about what you needed. I'm proud of you for choosing yourself even when choosing yourself hurt. Proud of you for continuing to build a life that includes health and love and luxury and ease and adventure and financial freedom.
And I can appreciate other people's encouragement without making it the only source of my confidence. That's the balance that I'm working toward. You know, the goal is not to stop wanting support. It's not to pretend I don't need other people. The goal is to make sure my own voice is included in the chorus. Hell, I need to be the soloist. So when people applaud me, I want their voices to join mine. But I don't want their voices to replace mine.
And when the room is quiet and nobody throws the parade that I expected, and when the response is boring and basic, I do not want to abandon myself. I was there. I know what it took. And you know, you know, your accomplishments, you know what they required from you. So I will ask one more time, are you proud of yourself or are you still waiting for someone someone else to be?
LaToya (24:04.322)
Are you proud of yourself or are you still waiting for someone else to be?
Thank you for listening to another episode of Say More with Latoya on the Conversate podcast. I would true I would like really love to hear like your answer to that question. What are you proud of yourself for? Feel feel free to share in the comment a little. Feel free to share your comments. and join the conversation on Instagram. Again, make sure you follow the Conversate Podcast on Instagram.
Instagram, subscribe to us on YouTube and listen on Spotify and Apple podcasts. And until next time, give yourself the credit. You keep waiting for somebody else to give you. And I'll talk to you soon. Peace.
